There is need for JavaScript.

About us
Live Israel !
Russia - Israel
Post Box
NOT GENOCIDE BUT A HUMANITARIAN MIRACLE !ANYONE WHO INSISTS ON A PALESTINIAN STATE IS DEPRIVING THE PALESTINIANS ...Open Letter to Prime Minister of NorwayOPEN LETTER to Senator Elizabeth Ann WarrenTO DEFEND HUMAN RIGHTS OF PALESTINIANS WOULD BE THE REAL WAY TO PEACE AT THE MIDDLE EAST.OPEN APPEAL TO JIMMY CARTER AND MARY ROBINSONThe MOST ImportantPETITION URGING PM NETANYAHU TO ADOPT LEVY REPORTColumn One: Lets embrace our friendsWhy Palestinians Want This Video RemovedVery simply about "The ME Conflict".Pastor John Hagee: "Ani Yisreali - I Am An Israeli"Ben-Gurion speaks in 1947.ISRAELPlease support the Petition "Stand for Israel, Stand for Reason"American Chrisians Appeal to protest cutting US aid to IsraelPianist Kissin protests against BBC anti-Israel biasHow Did Israel Become Start-Up Nation?Israel: A Leader in Business Innovation. You-tube and Book.Elena Bonner speaks on Israel at the Oslo Freedom ForumPetition against the anti-Israel boycott by Trondheim University61 years of Israel: The last man to bear witness to IndependenceRupert Murdoch speech on receiving National Human Relations Reward of the American Jewish CommitteeHas Israel learned its lesson?NO to negotiation on deviding Jerusalem !Elena Bonner about NATFHE boycott of Israel scientistsIsraels economy is now growing at over 6.6%The Arabs play "bakshish" cardThe Promised LandPLEASE STOP ! NO to Any TransferBenny Elons Peace PlanStatement by Elena Bonner, May 2004Human Rights Support of Benny Elons PlanLetter to Swedish Prime-Minister, January 2004Positive reaction of JAFI to the Appeal Hebrew SOS from RussiaWhere is Jerusalem?Saviors of Mankind60 years of Israel
Russia: In memory of Andre CeelenIsraelPurim Miracle of 1953The Arab oil era is overWORD WAS IN THE BEGINNING !Deaths of 160 Palestinian Children Forced to Work on Terror TunnelsGaza strip - as a Israel-EgyptThe Most Important Video About Israel Ever MadePerhaps Waqf itself is just a horror-illusion and does not exist at all?Norway Delegation: Israel Belongs to the JewsWhy Israel Opposes International Forces in the Jordan ValleyIndependence Day in Shdema: More Growth, More IsraelThe Party FaithfulSpaceIL: Israels race to the moonSummary - 3rd Conference for the Application of Israeli Sovereignty over Judea and SamariaFor Former Soviets in the West Bank,The PA is the First Victim of its Own Reckless UN BidFull Report (all Talks in English and video) about conference for the Application of Israeli"The Balfour Declaration - 2013":The Slow-Motion Exodus of European JewsVoices from the Home Front: How Israelis Live Under FireProduction of Israel A-bombsNetanyahu Draws "Red Line" for ObamaIsraelis have a legal right to settle all Judea and Samaria"Eventually, All Humans Will Be Palestine Refugees"History of Jordan, Jordan as Palestine"The Particion of Palestine"ACT NOW! Protest UNESCO VoteTURKEY AND EGYPTSderot: Rock in the Red ZoneOn the eve of Tisha BAv, artifacts were exposed that breathe new life into the storyMass social protests may open new Era in Israel DevelopmentCondolences to Norwegian friendsJOIN PETITION13 May 2011. Norwegian Academic stands for Israel and condemns anti-Semitism of Norwegian politicianIsrael hails success of new rocket interceptorIsrael scientists created the absolute Tank defense systemPassionate Word for Israel by UK intellectual Melanie Phillips interviewed on Israel TVAvigdor Liberman. UN Speech of 28 September 2010I have a premonition that will not leave me; as it goes with Israel so will it go with all of usDavid Brooks, The Tel Aviv Cluster. The New York Times, 11 January 2010.Boris Altshuler received the Man of the Year 5769 (2009) FJCR Award

Jokes about Monya Rabinovich

Collection of jokes and funny things about Monya Rabinovich

I am Monya Rabinovich:

I like reading, reasoning, lecturing.

I play the violin, the piano, sometimes I play on somebodys nerves.

I consider State and Anti-Semitism unavoidable as a whether.

Monya and his beloved son Sema:

* * *

— Father, please tell me, what is a five-pointed star?

— The circumcised Magendowid, sonny.

* * *

Sema, you must drink this yogurt, let you die, you must get well!

* * *

Teacher at school asks Sema Rabinovich:

— What is the shape of the globe?

— Spherical.

— Prove it!

— Let it be square. I dont insist.

* * *

— Sema! It took you two hours to take the garbage out. How can it be?!

— Father, calm down! I sold it after all.

Monya and his beloved wife Sarra:

* * *

— Sarra, as soon as one of us dies Ill go to Israel.

* * *

Sarra bewails:

— Monya, how could you break a new chair, how could you spoil a new chandelier. No, my heart will break! Could not you find some other place to hang yourself ?

* * *

Sarra suddenly wakes up late at night and nudges her husband:

— Monechka! I hear a mouse squeaking there in the corner!

— Whats the matter? Should I get up in the middle of the night and go to grease it?

* * *

— Sarra, Ill die soon. I want you to fulfill my last request: you will go on one side of my coffin and let Riva, my last mistress, go on the other side. You know her well.

— You want me to go after your coffin together with this crazy strumpet!.. Well, for the sake of all our long common life Ill fulfill your request. But you must know that Ill get no pleasure from this funeral!

Monya and his best friends:

* * *

— Hallo, is it FSB? Abram has a machine-gun buried in his garden!..

— Hallo, is it Abram? You owe me a bottle of wine tonight they will come and dig up all your garden!

* * *

Abram! You know what a good friend I am! If you have some trouble: the bankruptcy of your firm, or crash of your bank, or your house burns down come to my place. We shall have a good laugh together.

* * *

— Ivan, my friend, I had a nightmare! Imagine, Sophia Loren, Claudia Shiffer, Demi Mur, Pamela Anderson and my wife Sarra struggled for the right to be in bed with me!

— You call it a nightmare! Why?

— Because my Sarra did win after all.

* * *

Monya Rabinovich writes from Italy to his friend Ivan: I had a chance to visit a museum and to take a photo of me with Apollo. The one who is naked is Apollo.

* * *

— Abram, what happened? I heard that you divorced the fourth time. Are all women so choosy?

— No only mother.

* * *

— Abram, how are you? How do you live?

— Terrible.

— Dont you color the truth?

* * *

— Abram, please lend me one thousand rubles.

— Unfortunately I do not have any money on me.

— And at home?

— At home? At home everything is OK, thank you, everybody is well!

* * *

— Hi, Abram! Glad to see you! How are you!

— Not bad, Monya, thank you.

— And how is your wife Fania, is she healthy?

— G-d safe, everything is well.

— And what about your children? How is the elder one? Such a madcap.

— Yes, yes, children are OK as well.

— And how is your job?

— All the same. Excuse me I must go

— Wait a minute. Please tell, why when we meet I always ask you about your life and you are never interested in mine?

— Yes, Monya, you are right. Forgive me. How is life?

— Auh, dont ask me!

* * *

— How much is the taxi to the Red Square?

— One hundred rubles.

— And if I go together with Abram?

— With Abram, without Abram One hundred rubles.

— Abram, do you hear it? I told you that you are nothing worth!

* * *

— What is good in these Beetles? Burring, lisping, mixing the tune.

— Did you hear them?

— No, Abram hummed it to me over telephone.

* * *

— Abram! Do you know the nationality of Mao Dze Dung?

— It cant be so!

— I tell you!!!

* * *

Monya and Abram were on business trip, when Abram suddenly died. Rabinovich came to his place, rang the door. Abrams wife opened the door:

— What happened?

— You know, Abram and I were on business trip.

— I know. Why?

— You know, we made good money.

— I guess so. Why?

— Do you know that I squandered all the money in drink?

— What of it?

— And so did Abram

— Let him croak!

— He already did

Monya and the one who is the wisest in the world:

* * *

— Drought. Monya comes to Rabbi and asks for miracle to make it rain.

— No, says Rabbi, there will be no rain because you have no sufficient faith in G-d.

— Why, Rabbi?

— If you really believed in G-d, you would take an umbrella with you.

* * *

Abram and Monya had a dispute if black is a color or not. To solve the argument they decided to ask Rabbi. Rabbi looked in Torah and said:

— It says black is a color.

— Aah! So I said black is a color!

— OK, black is a color. And what about white is it color or not?

— Torah says that white is a color as well.

Abram says to Monya joyfully:

— Now you see! What did I say?! I sold you COLOR TV.

* * *

Once Monya, being very sad, comes to Rabbi:

— Rebe, I am so poor, so poor. I do not even have milk

— Well, my son, dont tell me anything more! Go home and you will have everything.

A few days later Monya again runs to Rabbi:

— Rebe! I have tits and milk in them, but I did not ask you for that!!!

— I cant help it, my son! It is easier for us to make wonders than to give money.

* * *

— Rebe, please tell me: if you find a suitcase with a million dollars in it, will you return it to the owner?

— Of course, if I know exactly that it belongs to a POOR man.

* * *

Monya came to famous Vilno Rabbi Eliezer and asked what he should do to become a great scientist:

— You must refuse from all pleasant things, but studying. You must bear hunger, cold and misery. And this until you are forty.

— And after that?

— After that you will get used to it.

* * *

— Rebe, how long will it continue? We can not stand it any more!

— Hopefully G-d will not let it to continue as long, as you can stand it.

* * *

Monya and Abram came to Rabbi and asked to solve their controversy. Rabbi listened attentively to the first one and said:

— You are right.

Then the second one set force his arguments. Rabbi listened to him and said:

— And you are right too.

— Listen, how can it be, that both are right?! — Rabbis wife cries to him from the kitchen.

— You are also right, Sarra — answers Rabbi.

* * *

— Rebe, tell me please, is it possible to speak with dead ones?

— Yes. But they do not answer.

* * *

Rebe — to Monya Rabinovich:

— Youve gone mad! Why did you take this dog to a synagogue?

— Rebe, this is a special dog, it can even sing!

The dog began to sing. Rebe with delight:

— O, vaizmir, it sings so well that it can be a cantor in our synagogue!

— Rebe, I keep saying it to it, but the dog wont listen to me. It only wants to be a dentist!

* * *

— Rebe, is it true that a sandwich always falls with its butter down?

— Yes.

— Rebe, you will laugh, but my sandwich fell down with its butter up today!

— It cant be so! cried Rebe. And after thinking a bit said:

— Good, now I understand! You spread butter on the other side of it.

Monya Rabinovich or Do you have anything to ask me?:

* * *

— Is it possible to compare matrimonial life with lottery?

— No, in lottery there is some chance.

* * *

The neighbor came to Monya for advice:

— I have a great trouble! On both sides of my small shop two huge supermarkets were opened! What shall I do?

— Dont you worry! Just write on the door of your shop with big letters ENTRANCE.

* * *

— Monya, how did the Jews live in the Stone Age?

— Not quite well! Just imagine!.. Circumcision and with a stone axe!

* * *

— At last I read a book where the main positive hero is a Jew! The book is New Testament.

* * *

— Rabinovich, do you know what neighbors say about you when you are not at home?

— Oh, when I am not at home, let them even beat me.

Monya Rabinovich in his mishpaha:

* * *

Monya and the whole family are sitting at the table. Suddenly Sarra gives a deep sigh.

— I asked you many times, — Monya reproaches her, — do not speak about politics when the children are about.

* * *

Sarra sees Monya off to a spa:

— Monya, I beg you, do not waste money on anything which you can have free at home.

* * *

Rabinovich at supper. Suddenly a fork falls down from the table. Monya catches it in a quick move and says with relief:

— Safe G-d, nobody will come.

At the same moment the daughter rushes in:

— Father, Mummy got stuck in the lift!

* * *

Monya came home late at night. His wife opened the door shouting angrily:

— What happened? Where have you been?

— No, thats a lie! Who said it to you?

* * *

Sarra, sobbing, says to her mother over the telephone:

— Mother, it is midnight already, and Monya hasnt come yet. Perhaps he is with some whore.

— Sarrochka, why do you think the worst? Perhaps he just got in a car crash.

* * *

— Sema, I dont like three things in your bride.

— What is it?

— Chin.

* * *

Suddenly Monya began to court Cilya, Sarras younger sister. His father-in-law was outraged.

— But, father, if, G-d forbids, Sarra dies, will you permit me to marry Cilya then?

— In this case, yes.

— Well? Are you sorry that Sarra is alive?

* * *

— Monya, yesterday I saw a catafalque near the house where your mother-in-law lives.

— Oh, dont say so! There are 3 hundred apartments. It is such a lottery

* * *

— Abram, they say your daughter is getting married?

— Yes, she is by and by.

Monya who always get out from a scrape:

* * *

The liner is sinking down in the Atlantic ocean. Captain is in panic, and now somebody tells him that there is Monya Rabinovich among the passengers and that he is capable to make miracles. Captain immediately invites Monya and asks:

— Mister Rabinovich, please can you do something?

— Do you have Internet on a boat?

— Yes of course!

— Then you must sell the boat ASAP.

* * *

A woman neighbor:

— If you make this terrible noise playing your piano all day long, Ill break your window!


— Then you will hear me much better.

* * *

— Mister Rabinovich, how can dare you such a thing! I am not a prostitute!

— Did I say anything about money?

(c)Translated by Haverim from the Russian original